Running vs Depression

Today my Dad sent me my certificate for running the Bristol Half Marathon on my 30th birthday in 2010, I got a time of 1h37m:

So far so good, it’s a respectable time, a good time. The amazing thing is that one year previously I was overweight, possibly obese, and had never ran.

At 29 I was not in a good place mentally, I was loads of junk food, knocking back large cans of energy drink and struggling to climb the stairs to the office - I couldn’t sleep on my back. I was 3 years into my first web development job and I was depressed. I was would plan to get knock-out drunk at the weekends just to escape the monotony and lift my self, however temporarily, at of the mire of my thoughts.

On new years eve I was deep in an alcohol stupor at 4am in the morning when I decided that I had it. The next day I would start running and that I would do it twice a day. It was an act of self-help that was also an act of self-destruction. I would run despite myself.

The next morning I ran for 13 minutes, I had stitch and felt ridiculous. I was acutely self-concious. In the afternoon I did it again, and the next day, and the day after and the day after that.

It was not easy but I also knew it wasn’t an option. I would mechanically put on my running clothes and my entire body was saying “no” and trying to make me stay inside in safety. I was scared of going outside, I hated it. Going outside was a “fuck you” to myself. My body had to go outside in spite of my brain.

Twice a day for at least a month. I started running longer distances, I started recording my runs, I wrote a web application to record them. I got addicted to improving my times. If my time was slower than my last I would feel bad, if it was faster, elated.

Initially I did not change my drinking habits, but as I started running longer distances something funny happened - the escape that I found in alcohol - the lucid state that I could achieve - I found it while running.

Running lifted the haze of my depression. It was a revelation. I was swimming not drowning. This was done without the side effects of drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and it was making me healthy both physically and mentally.

Without any deliberate decision or effort I naturally stopped binge drinking. I lost almost all of my excess weight within a month or two. I still have stretch marks to remind my of my previous size.

Fast forward one year and I ran the Bristol Half Marathon with a time of 1 hour and 37 minutes immediately after that I had quit my job and cycled around France landing a job in Paris and began a new chapter in my life.

The amazing thing is that I’ve now been running for the best part of 14 years and my current estimate for a half-marathon is about the same. I ran the Great South Run (10 miles) in 1h19m which fairly translates to a 1h38m half marathon.

I’m disappointed that I’m not faster than my 30 year old self, but equally amazed that I transitioned from overweight, border-line alcoholic and border-line schizophrenic to somebody that ran a half marathon in 1h37m in the period of one year.

It’s impossible for me to imagine the mental state that I had 14 years ago because my brain has changed. Which isn’t to say I don’t have issues - I do, but they are not comparable.

Deciding to run changed the default state of my existence.